Keep calm and don't look back

I have noticed I spend a lot of time looking back.  Reminiscing moments of awe, regretting times of cowardice, and revisiting the scene(s) of tragedy.  I held that reflecting would help ground and grow my faith in so much as providing "reality checks" as needed.

I am now realizing is that this has actually stifled my faith because the voice I hear the loudest in these moments is my enemies.'  "You're not good enough." "You are an embarrassment." "Disappointment (from myself or others) is always around the corner."

I am coming to understand and believe that reflection is only appropriate if JESUS takes my heart there.  I have an unfortunate habit of assuming that answers can only be found if you start at the beginning.  I am learning that isn't true because  GOD's promises are true regardless of when they fall on my heart; I don't need to find them in my past for them to be true.

 Drawing closer to GOD, increasing in trust and surrender, and growing in boldness and the fruits of the spirit happen as GOD's voice shatters all other noise.  Sometimes that involves backtracking excavation trips, and other times it involves sharpening my focus and direction on GOD's promises for my future.

Case in point: the destruction of Lot's wife in Genesis 19.  GOD's angels not only led Lot and his family out of Sodom (to spare them from GOD's wrath), but instructed them to "flee for your lives! Don't look back, and don't stop anywhere..."  For whatever reason, Lot's wife turned back and she turned into a pillar of salt.  Angie Smith, in her book Mended, comments, "She (Lot's  wife) has been rescued from death from sin and depravity, and there is something that still haunts her enough to stop her from moving toward whatever is ahead.  Did she want to see if it (Sodom and Gomorrah) would really be ruined?  Maybe she wanted to see her things one more time.  Was she longing for a person?  Or reflecting on the life she wanted to keep living? "  We don't know, but I am gravely certain that her reflection was a higher priority than GOD (even after physical angels grabbed her hands to lead her away).

I can feel GOD sweeping through my heart to let go of my past (good and bad) and look forward.  To borrow Angie Smith's words again, I am "asking my SAVIOR to remind me right now that there is a reason I left that life behind.  It has been swallowed by grace, and I need not miss what HE has for me by believing there is something worth going back for...when I stare at what might have been I am immobilized."

I am tired of praying for a "faith like __(some past time___," or crying out to get away from a haunting insecurity.  My heart is actually CRAVING to be redeemed, transformed, and secure towards the future.

"The LORD your GOD is with you.  HE is mighty to save.  HE will take great delight in you, HE will quiet you with HIS love, HE will rejoice over you with singing."  ~Zephaniah 3:17~

The road Emmaus (healing)

"Whatever calls our name louder than the voice of JESUS needs to be identified as an obstacle.  Life is busy and days are short.  We don't take the time we need to let our souls breathe."  ~Mended by Angie Smith~

I have a tendency to read the a quote like this and immediately categorize what could fall under "whatever."  My flesh clings to rigid logic and doesn't trust GOD's fluid movements.

There was a season of life, a stage of maturing, when it was good for me to be dedicated to my commitments.  I learned how to work hard, accept sacrifices, and share grace.  But I am entering a new season of life in which I am challenged to wholeheartedly follow GOD's movements...above anything and everything else.  It is uncomfortable to cut the ties anchoring me to rigid commitments.  It is scary to trust the sensors in my heart to detect GOD's voice.  It feels more secure and practical to "meet (or exceed) known expectations."  But I am realizing this is slavery too; it's not the freedom GOD planned for me.

In her book "Mended," Angie Smith explains two of JESUS' disciples were walking towards Emmaus and they were sad because they didn't fully believe JESUS had risen from the dead (full story in Luke 24:13-32).  Angie shares that Emmaus means "warm springs," and these springs were used for healing purposes.  As the story continues, JESUS catches up to these two disciples on the road to Emmaus; they didn't recognize HIM right away and HE stayed with them until "their eyes were opened."  

As my eyes are opening to the emptiness of tradition (for the sake of tradition) and the immaturity of many ideas, I find myself traveling towards my own Emmaus.  My tired, defeated, scared body saunters down a beaten path unsure of what's ahead but desperately hoping for any amount of healing. 

Speaking through other, more seasoned, people, song, and writing GOD has made it abundantly clear that, just as HE did with those two disciples, HE will catch up to me on my road to Emmaus.  The opposite of mindless slavery to commitment is to rest.  I am learning that it's the only way to open the deepest caverns of my heart that yearn for daily uninhibited adventures and warm secure trust with GOD.  

Angie ends the chapter with, "Throughout the day, pause in busy moments and remind yourself that you need only to be consumed by HIM.  Not the carpool line, the endless to-do list, the dishes, or whatever else is distracting you.  Ask HIM specifically to focus your mind on HIM, and ask HIM to make HIMself bigger in that moment than everything around you.  Enjoy this sweet Emmaus, friend."

Right now, at the beginning, it seems contradictory to call it "sweet" Emmaus, but I know that I am tired of feeling defined by my ability to appease social obligations, demanding work schedules, and the chains of guilt.


 

Holidays are always the loneliest

I find holidays to be FULL of "supposed to" thoughts.  I hate what the holidays have been built up to be.  The expectation leads to deep despair.  Every December my heart feels like the grimiest of infirmaries as "supposed to" repeatedly stabs my frozen and weak heart again and again.

Most of the time I let everything bleed out.  I fall asleep with as much emotional fatigue as when I left Africa.  At night I crash and there is never enough sleep.  Over the years I have come to identify grief in all the turmoil.  Grief that I am never enough.  

...and that takes so many forms...

Fuck Webster, the dictionary that takes such an abstract invasive infection and condenses it to a few words.  Grief has color, shape, texture, and depth.  Its like the Mystique from Wolverine. 

I almost envision grief as a rollee-pollee.  For some reason my mind won't accept grief as a lady bug or caterpillar.  It makes more sense to be small, grey, and round because grief has a way of rotating through my heart, stopping periodically to unfold, and dig through tender places.

Have you ever noticed...

Sometimes the most relaxing thing I can do is go for a walk.  That might be why I love my brilliantly black German Shepherd; she is the perfect excuse to get outside.  Regardless of where I walk, neighborhoods or scenic trails, I am reminded that thousands of other people exist around me...and somehow oxygen fills the spaces between us all.  Walks "reset" me.

A simple activity like walking dials my senses back.  I notice my breathing, goosebumps, certain sore muscles, and the early onset of headaches or dry eyes.  Awareness like this is impossible when life is bombarded with busy-ness.  I know this because there are days when I feel too busy to even eat, and that is just ridiculous.

I have noticed something else about taking walks.  The songs I sing (in my head of course), my mantra so to speak, change.  I stop matching my steps to Titanium, The Fighter, or Howlin' for You and starting breathing a new message.

As I pass trees, ocean waves, and parks the words just come:

GOD, you reign, GOD, you reign

Forever and ever, GOD, you reign

GOD, you reigh, GOD, you reign

I know you reign

Forever and ever, GOD, you reign 

Hallelujah, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Hallelu
Hallelujah, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Hallelu

It starts to get a little louder, drowning out my internal secretary and her annoying voice.

GOD, you reign, GOD, you reign

Forever and ever, GOD, you reign

GOD, you reigh, GOD, you reign

I know you reign

Forever and ever, GOD, you reign 

Hallelujah, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Hallelu
Hallelujah, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Hallelu

Blessings, prayer requests, proverbs, and jokes take over the frustrated places in my brain...by this point, it is likely I am audibly humming or singing.  No matter how weighed down I was I can experience a measure of closeness with GOD.

You hold my life, You know my heart

And you call me by name

I live to say, GOD, you reign.

Hallelujah, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Hallelu
Hallelujah, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Hallelu

I struggle with believing that "if I _____ then I won't have anything to worry about."  Skip a walk, work through lunch (which inevitably leads to me setting my food down, getting up to do something, and forgetting to pick up my food again), reschedule my quiet time, etc.  I am describing these lies as "acts of self-ocating" because it literally feels like I am suffocating under the weight of my (sometimes good) projects and goals.  I need regular reminders that "quality beats quantity:" in relationships (with GOD and other people), email messages, flyers and PR pieces, and even gifts to others.

I highly doubt the human heart could ever have too much connection with GOD, but it can definitely have too much distraction, too much pressure/perfectionism, too much noise, and too many events.

Sometimes you just gotta walk.

I don't want to play tag!

Remember playing tag when you were a kid?  Tag was a great sport; it incorporates adrenaline, laughter, teamwork, cunning, and adventure.  If you were lucky, you could get the whole neighborhood involved.  The more kids the better.

There is a downside to this strategy though.  There was always that one kid.  You know – the one that doesn’t quite “get it.”  They can’t keep track of who’s “it,” so they just assume they are always it.  They kill your hiding spot by talking too loud.  They cry when you leave them behind.  And after the game is done, when everyone is standing around saying goodbye, they try to keep the game going by running around the group like a hyper puppy tagging anyone and everyone.

For most people these memories are just that – childhood memories from the past.  Recently these memories have come back to life as I’ve realized that some adults still play tag.  They don’t play tag in the traditional sense where they are physically chasing their peers through streets, over benches, and around tables.  Instead, they prefer to chase others with their eyes, ears, and opinions.  Chaos follows them everywhere as they exacerbate everything into an emergency.  Respect, support, and teamwork are blown up by incessant criticism and bulldozing mood swings.  A storm is always on the horizon for these folks, perhaps only to keep everyone on their toes.

As a child, my mother used to tell me to “stand still” when those kids were getting on my nerves.  The most challenging part of physically standing still in midst of a nuisance was the anxiety I felt during the time it took them to stop bobbing and weaving in front of me, calm their obnoxious facial expressions, and go away.  The most challenging part of “standing still” when an adult wants to play tag is the anxiety I feel as they noticeably talk behind my back, attempt to corner me with loaded questions, and disrespect my personal boundaries. 

It is especially challenging to work with these people.  The joy I once had towards putting creativity and spunk into projects increasingly drains as I dedicate more and more energy to reinforcing my mental helmet.  The freedom I once felt to express my ideas and needs, even those only halfway formulated, vanishes under the weight of non-verbal blows.  Trust in an “honestly caring team” cracks as they frantically and violently try to claw their way "to the top” of a non-existent competition.

Most days I make it through.  I am blessed to have an INCREDIBLE community; my loved ones keep me rejuvenate, inspired, and empowered.  But some days are very hard and I still feel like I am sinking.  "Standing still" can be exhausting, keeping my heart and mind stabilized in the values I love: patience, grace, forgiveness, acceptance, and honesty even as negativity, disdain, and chaos swirl around me.

  I wish I knew how to say, “I don’t want to play tag” to an adult.

Cultivating Community

PRAISE THE LORD I finished my BA. I haven't had any professor-mandated homework since January and I, however naively, thought this meant my stress level would subside. I didn't feel any peace in boasting this opinion but deep down I crossed my fingers. My wishful thinking included reading more books, returning to reflective writing, keeping up with community causes, deepening relationships that suffered while I studied, getting on a healthy sleep schedule, and dusting more often. (I even announced that my 2012 new years resolution was to “cook more”…grossly ambitions considering I don’t even own pots and pans.)

Unfortunately, I have not been paying enough attention to the attitudes that cultivate those behaviors. I know this because I have been waking up many mornings with an urge to argue. Sometimes I feel like a justice-seeking lawyer-lady with pockets full of intelligent attitude but no case. Occasionally I get out of bed like a cantankerous crab; everything I see and hear comes through a crap-colored-mask, as if I have anything to complain about. Periodically I entertain Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde as I torpedo productivity by shooting everything down with wildly pessimistic assumptions. Though there is an air of self-righteousness and adventure in these attitudes, they are astoundingly selfish because they pit me against the people around me: my community.

Sadly, I have been that toxic sack of lava more than I’d like to admit. I even self-righteously tried to evade conviction by admitting, “most of my quarrelsome attitude was carried out in thought but not in action.” [insert cheesy smile here] As if that was any better..! “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” Since attitudes create behaviors and I was observing a trash heap building in my brain, I was passively allowing a quarrel to be birthed. I was aware that pressure was mounting and one day I would kick off the argument to end all arguments, but I was not acknowledging the reality that“not directly tearing down community” does not build community. Now that I am being a little more direct and honest with myself I can admit that I almost owe my community a post-emptive apology for an argument that didn’t happen but could have.

Titus 3:9-11instructs people to “Stay away from mindless, pointless quarreling…that gets you nowhere. Warn a quarrelsome person once or twice, but then be done with him. It’s obvious that such a person is out of line…by persisting in divisiveness he cuts himself off.” Another translation of Titus 3:11 says, “you may be sure that such people [divisive quarrelsome people] are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.” I don’t have a degree in theology but I can connect the dots. It is nearly impossible to show love for another person with a quarrel some attitude. The very nature of argumentative, dogmatic, arbitrary, mindless, pointless quarrels is unhelpful. And without a community, you are isolated and alone.

I love a statement Pastor Mark Driskill made recently. He said,“A critic of a church & a servant in a church both see the same problem but respond differently.” If there truly is a problem or a challenge, then I should seek to solve the problem not argue with the person. Whether I am in a building owned by a religious organization,sitting at my desk in my office, inhaling coffee with a friend, or visiting with family I should be seeking to increase and deepen community. Community is the only place for love and connection to increase; you cannot grow simply by reading or hearing a good word. Even in the Greek, experiential knowledge trumps cognitive knowledge all day everyday, and I don’t know anyone who doesn’t agree. Another of my favorite Driskill quotes is, “GOD died, I don’t need to kill you, you’re welcome.”

…I really should let that loving truth building up inside me.

Sometimes coffee shops are sacred.

Sometimes coffee shops are sacred.

I don’t always understand why I can get more done in coffee shops than anywhere else, but I don’t know if I care to investigate it either. Thankfully, coffee shops agree with my soul so I am not complaining. J

I love the people watching in coffee shops. The gentleman sitting on a chair in the middle of the room with no table, people watching himself, holding a thick book in hand, slowly sipping his vente-something or other. The girl who may have come here to look for apartments (judging by the website pulled up on her laptop), but can’t seem to put down her smart phone. The college students plugged into their studies staring at their laptops with darth-vader-glares. The super skinny girl with large wing tattoos on her back; if those were real wings they would be the heaviest appendages on her body. The late-arriving peeps who naively assumed a table would be available for them during coffee house rush hour; I have to try really hard not to laugh at their surprised faces. I do love seeing old people in coffee shops though. I wonder what they are thinking…and if they tried to pay by check.

These people don’t know they are merely background noise and muses for my reading, reflecting, blogging adventures…and it might be best if it stays that way. Honestly, how rude of me…to glance up often enough to notice all these details. But without them, their colorful wardrobes and flashy laptop skins, who knows how much I would get done. That is why I will always vote to work in coffee shops…now (4 hours later) what was I supposed to get done..?

REFLECTING…right…well, carrying on then.

I read something a few mornings ago that has really stuck with me. The question was posed, “Have you come to a point where you have met GOD in HIS everlasting now?”

Everlasting now..?

What a refreshing existence, a creative space, and a telling time. Unfortunately, some days are consumed by yesterday’s unfinished business and tomorrow’s demands. Sometimes I wake up and can’t even enjoy my coffee because my brain is already taxed out. But “meeting GOD in HIS everlasting now” brings a fresh breeze through the windows of my mind. The phrase itself invites an invigorating and curious experience.

To “live in the now” reminds me to sincerely converse with the people around me, whether at work or at home. I think of proper expectations rather than legalistic deadlines. There is an air of flexibility in the “now.”

But to “meet GOD in HIS everlasting now” peels the layers back even further. Not only can I decide to “live in the now” and embrace all the patience and sincerity associated with that; I can seek (and find) the “now” that is important to GOD. Remembering that no matter how frustrating a situation gets I am covered by the same grace available to the other person. Holding steadfast to prayer for wisdom and righteousness while generously expressing gratitude for HIS gracious answers. Exercising creativity and joy in serving others through changes and challenges.

After all, GOD pursued my scared, distracted, rebellious backside far off into the wilderness; HE met me in my “now,” and introduced me to the freedom, which is HIS “now.”

The Day Philippians ran me over

I have been under a writing dry-spell lately. And I hate it...I hate it because my mind does not pause during dry seasons; it continues to spin, sometimes more rapidly than normal, but it feels like I produce nothing from all the commotion and chaos. That is a RIDICULOUS frustration.

But recently, Philippians ran me over. I don't say that to give an ironic name to a reckless driver, or to illustrate a strange foreign exchange student. I was sitting at one of my favorite mid-week cafes exchanging ears, laughs, and insight with a dear friend, and Philippians appeared. At first he was just glancing at us from the corner of the conversation, the way heavy wisdom sits in the air above a serious conversation right before it descends and rests within people.

My friend and I LOVE to get together and discuss the depth of CHRIST's love, and the radical ways HE is transforming us in our day-to-day existence. My friend had been mentioning Philippians chapter 2 a lot recently, and it just so happened that she had The Message Translation in her car and I was OVERJOYED to borrow it (I have been meaning to buy one of those things...in a pretty maroon color...because Maroon just seems like a soothing color for a bible: the most POWERFUL words ever recorded).

I flipped open to Philippians chapter 2 and was knocked flat on my butt by verses 1-4; always a good way to start a POTENT book in the bible: "If you've gotten anything at all out of following CHRIST, if HIS love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the SPIRIT means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care--then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front, don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourself long enough to lend a helping hand."

BLAM!!!!

I am still in disbelief about the depth and curiosity of these words. I know that when I disagree with someone, especially in regards to an issue/person/project that I am passionate about, I am not concerned with being "deep-spirited friends." I most definitely push my way to the front of debates when I am confident in my understanding and ethical standing on the issue, and I have sweet-talked (or at least sugar coated) many conversations to remain in good standing professionally. And, even though I know those behaviors seem more regular than the common cold, they also create a spirit (lifestyle) similar to a professional model: a skeleton that undergoes huge, mostly false, transformation to appear wonderful, beautiful, and perfect. "Don't be obsessed with your own advantage." -SLAM- The mere mention of someone else's wage/salary throws a wrench in my self-value and therefore how I present myself to others.

"Put yourself aside and help others get ahead...Forget yourself long enough to lend a helping hand." BRAKES (SQUEALING BRAKES)!!! I suffer from a very common condition that I named "Calendar-itis;" otherwise known as inflammation of one's calendar. Symptoms include, but are not limited to:

• Disconnection from friends, co-workers, mentees, and family outside of specificly allotted times
• Addiction and entitlement to "production" and "efficiency," both of which have various meanings, forms, and functions.
• Decreasing motivation to be creative or reflective due to quickly decreasing down-time.
• Increasing expenditures due to poor personal time management and a RIDICULOUS amount of fast-food locations.
• Heart attack
• Breast cancer
• Lymphoma
• Colon cancer
• blindness
• etc
  
• etc

I am being challenged, regularly now, to put aside my calendar, entitlement, efficiency, and productivity. I listened to a pod-cast recently that pushed me to ask, "have I been complimented on a fruit of the spirit recently?" After six hours of brain-searching I realized the last time that happened I might have been five years old.

I wonder what my life would look like if the colored blocks on my calendar were based on the amount of time it takes to exercise the fruits of the spirit and practice deep-spirited friendship instead of reflecting a need to feel valued and recognized by the number of things I can get done in a day. Can I come to understand that a 1-hour meeting geared solely at patiently getting on the same page with someone is a better use of time than spending an hour crafting a beautiful e-mail that can (and most likely will be) misinterpreted due to lack of body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and genuine concern. Can I pause to answer a rookie question FROM A ROOKIE without viewing them as a dent in my already too-busy day..?

In A Million Miles in a Thousand Years Donald Miller compares life and individuals to movies and characters. He walks through the human attraction to specific characters and discovers that people are drawn to characters that are proven good, by their behavior and choices, and that also have to overcome a fear/tragedy/conflict. D.M. "wondered if life could be lived more like a good story in the first place. I wondered whether a person could plan a story for his life and live it intentionally...and...if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgment. We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable, then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims rather than grateful participants. (italics mine)"

I believe GOD designed me, and everyone on this Earth, intentionally with a story in mind. And I laugh, ever so slightly with HUGE CURIOUS eyes, at the parallel between movie characters and real life. And I wonder what my life would look like if I gave more intention to being changed by GOD everyday all day rather than trying to fit GOD in between the colored blocks of my own disease.

Beautiful Brokenness

The most beautiful part of community is brokenness
A heart releases all anxious weight
stolen identities and fearful anger fall
To find refined value
Sitting in broken company pierces
the fortified walls of insecurity

A poetic existence of porcelain masks
Through the cracks we find others
aware of their own
Together you move along
not valuing of the porcelain
Increasingly aware of each other's beauty.

Who is a lier to condemn?
Who is a saint to guide?
Who better to encourage than a cripple?
Who better to dream than the lame?
For theirs is the purest perspective

The most beautiful part of community is brokenness
The purest gifts have no measurable value
such is a fellow broken heart
Repayment is out of the question by way of impossibility
in the same way
Gratitude escapes any expression due to magnitude

A broken community cannot be shaken
shamed
or sold
There is no comparison
There is no dominatino
there is only submission
there is only humility

"You cannot 'produce' trust just like you cannot 'do' humility; it either is or it isn't."

To the friends have have seen me through hard times. To the confidants that helped me to see.
To those who sought me out. To the artists who teased my soul to life.
You are PRICELESS to me. Your souls surround me like a HUGE stain glass window,
and GOD shines through it. HIS spirit dances in you and speaks through you.

Meditating: A Vintage Virtue

Meditating is neither an original Christian concept nor a recently birthed practice. My favorite function of meditation is to bring the content of one's heart to the head so that it can come out in one's hands. Some time ago I also heard that sometimes GOD's favorite medium is silence. Entering into silence with GOD invites HIS kingdom and wisdom up from the depths of our hearts so that we might be HIS kingdom in the world. Many virtues and disciplines, like meditation, are faded and rusted today, but their value is still pure.

This morning I heard, "anything that GOD touches: the closer you get the better it looks. anything we (humans) touch: the closer you get the more awkard and ugly it looks. If you don't believe GOD is in the details examine a flower."

In silence we are left only to absorb and observe. In silence there is no defensiveness or comparing. Silence can bring about reflection: who am I in relation to GOD? One of the things I have learned from GOD in silence is how to see my HEAVENLY FATHER. When I was growing up I had a hard time understanding how to look at GOD as "father" because my dad and I didn't have the closest of relationships. After GOD got a hold of my dad's heart and looked into his eyes I got to meet my daddy. Nowadays, one of my favorite things to yell as I walk into my parent's house (after HELLOOOOOOOOOO) is "HI DADDY..!" (My mom is deaf so yelling "Hi mommy" makes no sense :) ). My dad usually responds with, "Hi babygirl."

It was awkward the first time I heard him say that...and a few times after that. But I have grown to adore that relationship...I am my daddy's babygirl...always...forever...

In silence, I learn that I am GOD's babygirl too.

I don't have to fight to defend my title or knock other people down to prove that I am worthy of that name. I simply am.

I also read somewhere that a blessing is more like a living organism than a present; the fulfillment of a blessing is in passing it along. Most people receive a blessing (action or word) and think that the blessing is fulfilled in their receiving it. But the true fulfillment is to pass it on because you are able to experience every aspect of the blessing: receiving and giving. JESUS modeled a life of giving and generosity, and I think HE did that to show us how to fulfill HIS blessings.

When I am silent, meditating on GOD's kingdom, HE brings things to mind that fulfill HIS blessings. Words I can speak to someone that revived or encouraged me. Small surprises that I can do for others to place value on them. When I am silent the HOLY SPIRIT can dance inside me. Even though I grew up a soccer player, my inner ballerina twirls around in soft like on enchanting toes when I am silent.

This morning I also heard, "if you have a relationship to GOD that does not work itself out (show itself) in relationships to others than you do not have a relationship with GOD."

Meditation brings gifts of identity and fulfillment to its owner, and practicing silence is like blaring the HOLY SPIRIT's music.

...sensible things...

"GOD's distance must be complimented by HIS nearness."

I have been getting rattled lately by the reality of this quote. Sometimes it is easy to recognize GOD's hand in life, HIS perfect plans, in retrospect. While this view can warm the heart, knowing that someone so great and awesome cares enough to order our lives, it can also leave a sense of lonliness if the next steps foward are unknown.

I have spent many mornings driving to work thanking GOD for HIS incredible provision in my life: good health, a job I enjoy, volunteer projects I adore, priceless friends, a loving family, and a merciful SAVIOR. But in pouring my heart into these projects, I have misplaced a sense of HIS nearness. That is...until I began to get to know my students.

I have a student, a BEAUTIFUL student, who is 17 years old. This girl carries herself with boldness and intelligence. Last Friday afternoon I pulled her aside to ask about a new pattern of absence and I discovered something inside her. A stain-glass soul similar to mine. This child began to open up and share a few of her life experiences. I tried to listen more than speak as my grandma taught me to. As she spoke I quickly recongized the location of her mind...it seemed too familiar. Many of the broken places in her heart were mirrored by the shattered lines of my own.

I thanked her for sharing her world with me, and allowing me to be a part of her journey and sent her to 5th period, but I carried her stories home with me and began to pray over them. The nearness of GOD was exposed in my inability to fix things, and her independence to reject my words. Although she continues to show up to my class, and came to talk with me again today, it can only be the love of GOD to save her.

One hauting "French proverb says, "We should enter everyone's situation. Tout comprendre, c`est tout pardonner - to understand all is to forgive all. In HIS soverign wisdom, GOD alone understands the human heart."

When she was done sharing today I was able to explain how forgiveness can help her to heal and find freedom. I hugged her as the tears fell and her body began to shake from the years of holding the pain inside. Again, I was hit with the reality of GOD's nearness.

"Amid the hurly-burly of Wall Street, the teeming traffic of rush hour, the long lines at the supermarket, their (artists, mystics...clowns of GOD) unexpected presence encourages us to reexamine our priorities, and does so with far greater effect than the apocalyptic threats of the doomsday preacher on the street corner." "It is GOD HIMSELF who can be discovered in the beauty of sensible things." I don't want to lose sight of the immense value of loving other people...because that is sensible. To pour my life's findings, however small, into another to empower and comfort them makes sense to the core of my soul.

And GOD makes sense...HE loved me in this way LONG before I wanted to love HIM or anyone else. "It is GOD HIMSELF who can be discovered in the beauty of sensible things."

I left work today with mixed feelings, not about GOD's presence in my conversation with this young girl...but with the definition of my job description and how that would mesh with the conversation. "Moralism and its stepchild, legalism, perver the character of the Christian life." Bill from The Garden Church in Long Beach said something a few weeks ago that hasn't left my mind, "Our vocation is not always our occupation, and we need to be aware of that." Legalism finds itself infecting many aspects of daily life, but I don't want my vocation as a follower and lover of CHRIST to take a backseat to this parrasite.

On the flip side of the same coin are frusterating situations. I have been thrown under the bus at different times, and the feelings of anger and desire for revenge/humiliation comes quickly. "When wounded people fail, as inevitable they must, they engage in denial to protect themselves from punishment. The perfect image must be protected at all costs." I am so quick to jump into retalliation mode that I breeze right by clearing the air and standing in the other person's shoes. And, as Mike Erre pointed out a few weeks ago, this does not automatically reinstate the relationship to its previous capacity. But, as Darren Rounzin explained this past Sunday, it does free you from other people's opinions and demands. By taking the proper steps to love before hate/resent, I am free to act as GOD directs me.

"It is GOD HIMSELF who can be discovered in the beauty of sensible things."

Fundamentals I've missed...overlooked

I have been overwhelmed today with GOD's goodness. I needed a strong wave of HIS love because my current battle with flesh is INTENSE.

I needed to be reminded of some KINGDOM fundamentals, and my struggle feels so overwhleming that some days I need reminders half a dozen times. I have a co-worker whose brokeness exposes itself in ugly ways (as does everyone's), and my heart somehow landed on the conclusion that her junk makes her "less than" me. My guilty self-righteous heart reacted to personal hurts with resentment and dreams of retaliation. And this...CRAP...has just been eating me alive for two weeks now. The manifestation of these evils has appeared all over: I disappeared to my friends, whom I should have drawn closer to, I had insomnia all of last week, and I began to overthrow my boundaries by bringing work home with me.

And GOD BLESS HIS timing, I have been bombarded by messages of truth and reality all week. And GOD, in HIS faithfulness, has brought individuals to me with wisdom and peace to calm the waters in my angry heart.

This evening Darren made some GOD-inspired points at The Garden. He explained that anger was designed with good intentions (to notify us that a boundary has been crossed), but we have been trained to feed anger in such a way that it becomes on-going resentment and bitterness. It is a misinterpretation and misuse of a once positive attribute. It is on-going anger that causes blow-ups, and turns our mind to devaluing humanity (like name-calling or keeping tabs on everyone else).

When we devalue humanity it is almost as if we wish to throw other people out of the KINGDOM OF GOD...and who are we to determine that.?!

I related Darren's point to Mike Erre's message from last week about a GOD who keeps no ledger. There is a parable in the bible that illustrates a king who has a ledger accounting for his debts to others and other's debts to him. One day the king's accountant finds a servant who owed an impossible amount; the king has the authority and right to have this person (and his family/belongings) sold in order to pay down the debt. The servant begs for mercy and promises to repay the debt (the original audience would have heard this promise and scoffed because it was more than a lifetime of wages). The king choses to "close the books," eat the debt, and let the servant go free. This, obviously, is a BRILLIANT illustration of what CHRIST did for us; HE ate our debt and we live because we are free.

The parable, however, does not end on that Hallmark point...the newly free servant turns around and finds another man who owes him money and demands it harshly. This debt cannot be repaid in one day, but it is a repayable amount. The debtor begs for mercy using the EXACT SAME VERBIAGE as the first servant to the king yet there is no mercy shown here. When the king finds out about this injustice he calls the first servant to him and explains that if it's the books he wants to play by then he too will play by the books. The king orders that the servant be thrown in jail and tortured until he should repay all he owed...which would be never. The point of the parable is that even though I have been forgiven and excused from my sins, I still carry around an internal ledger of injustices done to me.

I have been doing this with my co-worker. She has sent me e-mails and brought up points verbally of her observations; and in reaction to those things I have begun to keep a ledger. I have allowed my anger to fester, feeding it as I sleep,when I am not on the clock, giving it authority to spill over from my occupation(cite coordinator) to my vocation (a CHRIST follower). Although I have not acted on my dreams of retaliation, I should be deeply concerned that those seeds exist. Two weeks ago Mike Erre introduced me to the "Law of Retaliation," and he explained that no one wins in that game. Mike used Sampson as an example, and how a game of retaliation always requires "one-upping" your opponent; in Sampson's case it escalted from a domestic issue to an economic issue to a murder issue...no one wins that game. I am thankful for the wise words of my community not to retaliate, but I need to submit my heart to GOD for extractive surgery.

Darren ended this evening stating that we need to re-learn how to be angry. JESUS was angry when he walked the earth...but in the right way. When an injustice was done in HIS FATHER's house, or when the marginalized in society were abused or neglected. I am glad that I can be angry, but I know that I am not exibiting healthy anger right now. Mike made a point last week that forgiving someone does not always mean forgetting the incident, but it does mean sitting in the raw emotions of the situation and chosing to forgive them in the middle of all of it. I need to sit in the rawness some more and pray that GOD leads my heart to forgive IN those moments.

I have a meeting tomorrow with this co-worker to address some of her most recent comments and behaviors, and I want my heart to reflect CHRIST. I want my heart to recognize that I am angry over her behavior, but not holding a grudge and stuffing bitterness.

My BEAUTIFUL friend Liz Pham wrote the following (the link to her blog is on the right side of mine):

Much of our culture succeeds too often in molding its inhabitants into masterful Artisans of Trying.

Trying/striving in this worldly sense only succeeds in allowing us to:
-hide what we perceive to be flaws
-mask our insecurities only to give ourselves a false sense of worth
-outdo others' perceptions of who we are-outdo our perceptions of ourselves
-one up the people around us
-smack on band-aids over wounds that need the exposure to heal

The danger in this type of living isn't so much the desire to be something or someone else; rather, it's the lack of understanding and conviction in who we already are--who we are made in and through Christ's love and redemption: new creations, justified, adopted sons and daughters of the King, heirs.

Trying and striving are incredibly tiresome and draining. I liken this to what I wrote many blogs back--it's that tension that you feel in your gut when you can't be yourself around people. It's debilitating. There's no freedom there, and everything seems to be done in vain.

The shocking thing in the midst of all of this is how this manifests itself in the subtleties of my life. It's not at all blatant, others don't always notice it, and it's deeply personal. In fact, I often don't see this junk until it starts oozing in other places of my life.

I hate how I feel when I'm in the trying/striving mode; it's the result of many things, I'm sure. I perhaps am feeling off, not good enough or undervalued. It's in the very moments when I take my eyes off of Love and onto myself. My eyes then look through a faulty filter rather than the filter of the Perfect Lamb given on my behalf. How quickly my eyes shift! Someone mentioned this the other day in a conversation--it's like taking your eyes off one of those Magic Eye pictures. If you look away for even a split second, you lose the ability to decipher or see the image you're supposed to see. It doesn't take long to lose focus. Staring and being still enough to look intently upon that image--upon Him--requires discipline.

Sometimes I feel as though my life is lived out in a fog of ADD, and I just want to be sedated. Therein lies the danger--masking an issue rather than countering it with something far more potent. I want to continue to learn a very different art--the art of being still.

Being still lends itself to:
-an awareness of our surroundings (esp. the needs of those around us)
-an environment where we can fight the lies that come about in chaos and hurried lives
-an understanding of our present state (maybe even the ability to cry out, "I need You!")
-the ability to reverently come before Him in a posture of worship
-appropriate perception of the greatness of God as we're not walking before him, but waiting on Him-feeling what we need to feel, so that healing can come into those places of pain
-feeling what we need to feel, so that thanksgiving can be offered unto Him who is worthy
-knowing that HE is GOD

It's when we know that He is God that we live in a greater, fuller understanding of who we are. There--we find freedom to be who we are. There--we can worship. There--we can see Him.

There are moments when being still seems second nature and other times I suck at it big time. God knows I can't do it by myself--I've tried and that's when I see that I suck at it :). In my need and in my acknowledgment of it, there His strength facilitates room in my heart to simply be.

May we be inclined to lives of steadfastness and stillness--in times of suffering, joy and everything else that's in between so that we can see Him because He's worthy of our attention.

I love having that feeling of absolute freedom. That feeling of PURE JOY in knowing that you are clinging to GOD, seeking HIM in everything, and pouring back into HIS KINGDOM with the gifts HE gave you.

I need to re-learn how to be appropriately angry in order to be free.

Just in case you were wondering...

I LOVE how certain individuals in my life have the ability to remove a week's worth of stress and anxiety in a matter of hours. I LOVE how PURE LOVE is determined to show up and engage regardless of how tired or weak it feels. I LOVE how a simple hug or smile from a TREASURED friend instantly puts into perspective petty problems and unimportant issues and restores the BEAUTY and JOY of life. I LOVE how two hours of connection between friends has the power to restore, empower, and ignite the light inside me.

And, just in case anyone was wondering, those are all facts of evidence of GOD's presence within people. Those things display GOD's love and grace, and the magnitude of HIS glory.

To the CHERISHED friends I hold: THANK YOU for your impact on my life. THANK YOU for the text messages, phone calls, Facebook wall posts, and e-mails following up on coffee dates. THANK YOU for the accountability of boundaries and commitments. THANK YOU for the encouragment and support to live as GOD calls me to live in contradiciton to this world. THANK YOU for the examples you set for me and the inspiration you create. THANK YOU for reflecting GOD onto my life and teaching me how to bounce HIS holiness onto others. THANK YOU for being GOD's hands and feet along the road in my life.

What a call

I stumbled across a community recently. A community that embodies CHRIST's servitude and love in a powerful way. This community is The Garden in Long Beach. Tonight GOD's word took on a new light through the words of Darren and Bill; they were explaining the Beattitudes in Matthew. And, in GOD's gracious timing, it seemed that their words were speaking directly to a current struggle of mine...and of course, it begs to be explained again.

I, like many others in service tonight, fell under the umbrella of believing that the Beattitudes were a list of characteristics that a citizen of the KINGDOM of GOD should exibit. But, as Bill and Darren explained, these are specific qualities of the ignored, abandonded, abused, and neglected that are pointed out as a way to include them in a gospel and KINGDOM thought only to belong to the priveledged.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the KINGDOM of heaven." I always thought that "poor in spirit" meant humble. But, in this context, it's much closer to "spiritually bankrupt," and it means that you don't have to pick yourself up off the ground in order to be eligible for the KINGDOM.
"Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." This isn't saying that everyone should mourn or that mourning is in any way a positive feature. With short life spans and high infant mortality mourning was a common part of life during biblical times, and this speaks to those who are mourning...their circumstance does not translate to "GOD is not with you." Just the opposite in fact, in your hardest times GOD is with you.
"Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth." I was always under the impression that "meek" meant a shy personality. This scripture is actually talking about the people that cannot stand up for themselves; it is a call to stand beside them and be their voice, providing the strength and perserverence to see the helpless through the darkness.
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled." I honestly never connected with this verse, unless I was thinking of those people physically starving in other nations. Bill and Darren did an excellent job pointing out that this line is referencing those individuals who are so used to being abused, ignored, neglected that it has become their dispair; all they long for is justice.
"Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy." (This is the one that KILLED me). Bill posed a GREAT question: who wants to be merciful to someone that wronged you..? I had a rough week with a co-worker last week, and my Friday ended in frustration, shock, entitlement, and anger. So as Bill and Darren explained this Beattitude, I realized how broken I am in this. My aunt also sent me an encouraging e-mail reminding me about how the enemy loves to side-swip us, and how often he uses other broken people to attack us through.
"Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see GOD." Brennan Manning has a wonderful story of a couple who brought their Down Syndrome son to church and sat in the back, they seemed to act ashamed of him. The pastor called them into his office one day and explained that he had lost a child with Down Syndrome. Although the pastor had other children, the loss of this child was particularly painful because that one child, with a simple mind, acted as a doorway to GOD. Bill illustrated that same picture. Darren added to that by saying that sometimes we fall victim to "perfectionism" and being overly critical; we are afraid to mess up because that means punishment...but GOD does not want perfect, he wants honest trust.
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of GOD." (Another one that KILLED me). Bill illustrated this verse better than I have ever heard it before. If you imagine an arbitrator standing between two arguing spouses; this person is taking hits from both sides. This is a person that other people admire, but do not want to be. This person is a PERFECT representation of JESUS...because HE stood in the gap for each of us, and would do it again. I feel very connected to this verse, and I need to take up this burden for my students. Most of my students come from broken homes, and they have stood inbetween bickering parents or been physically beaten while protecting a loved one. Who is standing in the gap for them..?
"Blessed are those who are persecuted for righeousness for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." These are the individuals that are mocked, accused, and insulted because of their faith. Instead of just awknoledging them, GOD offers to sit in the spit with them. The encouragement is to let the temporary insult roll off your back because it means nothing compared to the wealthy inheritance of the KINGDOM.

I felt so empowered after hearing that message; and bestowed with the perfect pieces of wisdom to take to work this week. I should not behave entitled with this co-worker of mine because Earthly recognition or respect should not be my aim. I LOVE my job because of the kids I get to interact with, and the MILLIONS of opportunities for GOD to work in their lives. I get to spend 45 minutes praying for them as I drive to work, and as my aunt pointed out, I should be praying for my lost co-worker as well. I can sit in the spit for a while knowing that GOD is right next to me and I can display mercy because righteousness is a wealthier cause.

THANK YOU LORD for messages meant for me.

Life in the fast lane keeps me so distant...

"Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirit and this entire day -morning, afternoon, evening and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Inot your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in JESUS our LORD. Amen."

Feeble: Physically weak, as from age or illness. Weak intellectually or morally. Lacking in volume. Lacking in force, strength, or effectiveness.

Distracted: Having the attention diverted. Rendereed incapable of reacting or behaving.

Insecure: Subject to fears and doubts. Not confident or certain. Exposed or liable to risk. Not firmly or reliably placed or fastened.

Uncertain: Not confident, assured, or free from hesitancy. Not precisely or clearly determined. Dependent on change or unpredictable factors.

A BEAUTIFUL prayer that best captures the broken state of my heart.

"The Most Urgent Need in Your Life is to Trust"

It has been a while since my soul really spilled out. The uncomfortable conjestion bothered me, but I could not put my finger on why I seemed so...ill. I think I have stumbled upon the answer in the words of Brennan Manning.

I began peeling through the pages of "Ruthless Trust;" the title didn't just appeal to me, it screamed out to me. Within the first few pages Brennan begins to describe that his spiritual director issued a GOD-smacking statement to him: "Brennan, you don't need any more insights into the faith. You've got enough insights to last you three hundred years. The most urgent need in your life is to trust what you have recieved." I can imagine how this must have hit Brennan; that point resonated within me before my eyes crossed the last word. Personally, myfaith began like research: carefully articulating my new emotional awareness of GOD, choreographing HIS presence in my life in retrospect, and developing intelligent explanations for GOD in my life. I read the bible regularly, dove into powerful authors, and made sure to surround myself with seasoned veterans on the straight and narrow.
But...somewhere along the way I got bored with faith. The questions and answers that once grabbed my mind no longer seemed addicting, and I found myself developing "Plan Bs." What's worse is that I also justified these things to myself and others all the while knowing it wasn't the best decision. My sense of security became more and more rooted in these "back up plans," and although I was never satisfied I couldn't seem to stop formulating them.
"When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to for for three months at 'the house of the dying' in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, 'And what can I do for you?' Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.
'What do you want me to pray for?' she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States, 'Pray that I have clarity.'
She said firmly, 'No, I will not do that.' When he asked her why, she said, 'Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.' When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, 'I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust GOD.'
I remember praying to GOD, as Kavanaugh did, asking for clarity; my rational was that if I could clearly see where GOD was going or understand what HE wanted from me then perhaps the passion, addiction, and awe would come back into my faith. But Mother Teresa's words awaken a DEEP sense within me that I have COMPLETELY MISSED the point.
Francis Chan, in "Crazy Love," points out that many Christians don't have to trust GOD because they have savings accounts and IRAs. And as much as I would love to smile, nod, and think of other people...I AM THAT PERSON. I don't need insight, the most urgent thing in my life is TRUST. Clarity has become the last thing I am clinging to and MUST let go to.
"Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting GOD. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the FATHER's active goodness and unrestricted love. We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. But the crowd of witnesses in the Hebrews 11 testifies that this is not the case. Our trust does not bring final clarity on this earth. It does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch. When all else is unclear, the heart of the trust says, as Jesus did on the cross, 'Into your hands I commit my spirit' (Luke 23:46).
And that is my prayer, the song on my lips these days: that I would commit my soul into GOD's hands and TRUST HIM. As in Proverbs 3:5: TRUST in the LORD with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding. This sense within me hints that I have been missing the point, after all "as Marcus Borg has noted, 'The first (faith) is a matter of the head, the second (trust) is a matter of the heart. the first can leave us unchanged, the second intrinsically brings change."