Keep calm and don't look back

I have noticed I spend a lot of time looking back.  Reminiscing moments of awe, regretting times of cowardice, and revisiting the scene(s) of tragedy.  I held that reflecting would help ground and grow my faith in so much as providing "reality checks" as needed.

I am now realizing is that this has actually stifled my faith because the voice I hear the loudest in these moments is my enemies.'  "You're not good enough." "You are an embarrassment." "Disappointment (from myself or others) is always around the corner."

I am coming to understand and believe that reflection is only appropriate if JESUS takes my heart there.  I have an unfortunate habit of assuming that answers can only be found if you start at the beginning.  I am learning that isn't true because  GOD's promises are true regardless of when they fall on my heart; I don't need to find them in my past for them to be true.

 Drawing closer to GOD, increasing in trust and surrender, and growing in boldness and the fruits of the spirit happen as GOD's voice shatters all other noise.  Sometimes that involves backtracking excavation trips, and other times it involves sharpening my focus and direction on GOD's promises for my future.

Case in point: the destruction of Lot's wife in Genesis 19.  GOD's angels not only led Lot and his family out of Sodom (to spare them from GOD's wrath), but instructed them to "flee for your lives! Don't look back, and don't stop anywhere..."  For whatever reason, Lot's wife turned back and she turned into a pillar of salt.  Angie Smith, in her book Mended, comments, "She (Lot's  wife) has been rescued from death from sin and depravity, and there is something that still haunts her enough to stop her from moving toward whatever is ahead.  Did she want to see if it (Sodom and Gomorrah) would really be ruined?  Maybe she wanted to see her things one more time.  Was she longing for a person?  Or reflecting on the life she wanted to keep living? "  We don't know, but I am gravely certain that her reflection was a higher priority than GOD (even after physical angels grabbed her hands to lead her away).

I can feel GOD sweeping through my heart to let go of my past (good and bad) and look forward.  To borrow Angie Smith's words again, I am "asking my SAVIOR to remind me right now that there is a reason I left that life behind.  It has been swallowed by grace, and I need not miss what HE has for me by believing there is something worth going back for...when I stare at what might have been I am immobilized."

I am tired of praying for a "faith like __(some past time___," or crying out to get away from a haunting insecurity.  My heart is actually CRAVING to be redeemed, transformed, and secure towards the future.

"The LORD your GOD is with you.  HE is mighty to save.  HE will take great delight in you, HE will quiet you with HIS love, HE will rejoice over you with singing."  ~Zephaniah 3:17~

The road Emmaus (healing)

"Whatever calls our name louder than the voice of JESUS needs to be identified as an obstacle.  Life is busy and days are short.  We don't take the time we need to let our souls breathe."  ~Mended by Angie Smith~

I have a tendency to read the a quote like this and immediately categorize what could fall under "whatever."  My flesh clings to rigid logic and doesn't trust GOD's fluid movements.

There was a season of life, a stage of maturing, when it was good for me to be dedicated to my commitments.  I learned how to work hard, accept sacrifices, and share grace.  But I am entering a new season of life in which I am challenged to wholeheartedly follow GOD's movements...above anything and everything else.  It is uncomfortable to cut the ties anchoring me to rigid commitments.  It is scary to trust the sensors in my heart to detect GOD's voice.  It feels more secure and practical to "meet (or exceed) known expectations."  But I am realizing this is slavery too; it's not the freedom GOD planned for me.

In her book "Mended," Angie Smith explains two of JESUS' disciples were walking towards Emmaus and they were sad because they didn't fully believe JESUS had risen from the dead (full story in Luke 24:13-32).  Angie shares that Emmaus means "warm springs," and these springs were used for healing purposes.  As the story continues, JESUS catches up to these two disciples on the road to Emmaus; they didn't recognize HIM right away and HE stayed with them until "their eyes were opened."  

As my eyes are opening to the emptiness of tradition (for the sake of tradition) and the immaturity of many ideas, I find myself traveling towards my own Emmaus.  My tired, defeated, scared body saunters down a beaten path unsure of what's ahead but desperately hoping for any amount of healing. 

Speaking through other, more seasoned, people, song, and writing GOD has made it abundantly clear that, just as HE did with those two disciples, HE will catch up to me on my road to Emmaus.  The opposite of mindless slavery to commitment is to rest.  I am learning that it's the only way to open the deepest caverns of my heart that yearn for daily uninhibited adventures and warm secure trust with GOD.  

Angie ends the chapter with, "Throughout the day, pause in busy moments and remind yourself that you need only to be consumed by HIM.  Not the carpool line, the endless to-do list, the dishes, or whatever else is distracting you.  Ask HIM specifically to focus your mind on HIM, and ask HIM to make HIMself bigger in that moment than everything around you.  Enjoy this sweet Emmaus, friend."

Right now, at the beginning, it seems contradictory to call it "sweet" Emmaus, but I know that I am tired of feeling defined by my ability to appease social obligations, demanding work schedules, and the chains of guilt.


 

Holidays are always the loneliest

I find holidays to be FULL of "supposed to" thoughts.  I hate what the holidays have been built up to be.  The expectation leads to deep despair.  Every December my heart feels like the grimiest of infirmaries as "supposed to" repeatedly stabs my frozen and weak heart again and again.

Most of the time I let everything bleed out.  I fall asleep with as much emotional fatigue as when I left Africa.  At night I crash and there is never enough sleep.  Over the years I have come to identify grief in all the turmoil.  Grief that I am never enough.  

...and that takes so many forms...

Fuck Webster, the dictionary that takes such an abstract invasive infection and condenses it to a few words.  Grief has color, shape, texture, and depth.  Its like the Mystique from Wolverine. 

I almost envision grief as a rollee-pollee.  For some reason my mind won't accept grief as a lady bug or caterpillar.  It makes more sense to be small, grey, and round because grief has a way of rotating through my heart, stopping periodically to unfold, and dig through tender places.

Have you ever noticed...

Sometimes the most relaxing thing I can do is go for a walk.  That might be why I love my brilliantly black German Shepherd; she is the perfect excuse to get outside.  Regardless of where I walk, neighborhoods or scenic trails, I am reminded that thousands of other people exist around me...and somehow oxygen fills the spaces between us all.  Walks "reset" me.

A simple activity like walking dials my senses back.  I notice my breathing, goosebumps, certain sore muscles, and the early onset of headaches or dry eyes.  Awareness like this is impossible when life is bombarded with busy-ness.  I know this because there are days when I feel too busy to even eat, and that is just ridiculous.

I have noticed something else about taking walks.  The songs I sing (in my head of course), my mantra so to speak, change.  I stop matching my steps to Titanium, The Fighter, or Howlin' for You and starting breathing a new message.

As I pass trees, ocean waves, and parks the words just come:

GOD, you reign, GOD, you reign

Forever and ever, GOD, you reign

GOD, you reigh, GOD, you reign

I know you reign

Forever and ever, GOD, you reign 

Hallelujah, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Hallelu
Hallelujah, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Hallelu

It starts to get a little louder, drowning out my internal secretary and her annoying voice.

GOD, you reign, GOD, you reign

Forever and ever, GOD, you reign

GOD, you reigh, GOD, you reign

I know you reign

Forever and ever, GOD, you reign 

Hallelujah, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Hallelu
Hallelujah, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Hallelu

Blessings, prayer requests, proverbs, and jokes take over the frustrated places in my brain...by this point, it is likely I am audibly humming or singing.  No matter how weighed down I was I can experience a measure of closeness with GOD.

You hold my life, You know my heart

And you call me by name

I live to say, GOD, you reign.

Hallelujah, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Hallelu
Hallelujah, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Hallelu

I struggle with believing that "if I _____ then I won't have anything to worry about."  Skip a walk, work through lunch (which inevitably leads to me setting my food down, getting up to do something, and forgetting to pick up my food again), reschedule my quiet time, etc.  I am describing these lies as "acts of self-ocating" because it literally feels like I am suffocating under the weight of my (sometimes good) projects and goals.  I need regular reminders that "quality beats quantity:" in relationships (with GOD and other people), email messages, flyers and PR pieces, and even gifts to others.

I highly doubt the human heart could ever have too much connection with GOD, but it can definitely have too much distraction, too much pressure/perfectionism, too much noise, and too many events.

Sometimes you just gotta walk.