I don't want to play tag!

Remember playing tag when you were a kid?  Tag was a great sport; it incorporates adrenaline, laughter, teamwork, cunning, and adventure.  If you were lucky, you could get the whole neighborhood involved.  The more kids the better.

There is a downside to this strategy though.  There was always that one kid.  You know – the one that doesn’t quite “get it.”  They can’t keep track of who’s “it,” so they just assume they are always it.  They kill your hiding spot by talking too loud.  They cry when you leave them behind.  And after the game is done, when everyone is standing around saying goodbye, they try to keep the game going by running around the group like a hyper puppy tagging anyone and everyone.

For most people these memories are just that – childhood memories from the past.  Recently these memories have come back to life as I’ve realized that some adults still play tag.  They don’t play tag in the traditional sense where they are physically chasing their peers through streets, over benches, and around tables.  Instead, they prefer to chase others with their eyes, ears, and opinions.  Chaos follows them everywhere as they exacerbate everything into an emergency.  Respect, support, and teamwork are blown up by incessant criticism and bulldozing mood swings.  A storm is always on the horizon for these folks, perhaps only to keep everyone on their toes.

As a child, my mother used to tell me to “stand still” when those kids were getting on my nerves.  The most challenging part of physically standing still in midst of a nuisance was the anxiety I felt during the time it took them to stop bobbing and weaving in front of me, calm their obnoxious facial expressions, and go away.  The most challenging part of “standing still” when an adult wants to play tag is the anxiety I feel as they noticeably talk behind my back, attempt to corner me with loaded questions, and disrespect my personal boundaries. 

It is especially challenging to work with these people.  The joy I once had towards putting creativity and spunk into projects increasingly drains as I dedicate more and more energy to reinforcing my mental helmet.  The freedom I once felt to express my ideas and needs, even those only halfway formulated, vanishes under the weight of non-verbal blows.  Trust in an “honestly caring team” cracks as they frantically and violently try to claw their way "to the top” of a non-existent competition.

Most days I make it through.  I am blessed to have an INCREDIBLE community; my loved ones keep me rejuvenate, inspired, and empowered.  But some days are very hard and I still feel like I am sinking.  "Standing still" can be exhausting, keeping my heart and mind stabilized in the values I love: patience, grace, forgiveness, acceptance, and honesty even as negativity, disdain, and chaos swirl around me.

  I wish I knew how to say, “I don’t want to play tag” to an adult.

Cultivating Community

PRAISE THE LORD I finished my BA. I haven't had any professor-mandated homework since January and I, however naively, thought this meant my stress level would subside. I didn't feel any peace in boasting this opinion but deep down I crossed my fingers. My wishful thinking included reading more books, returning to reflective writing, keeping up with community causes, deepening relationships that suffered while I studied, getting on a healthy sleep schedule, and dusting more often. (I even announced that my 2012 new years resolution was to “cook more”…grossly ambitions considering I don’t even own pots and pans.)

Unfortunately, I have not been paying enough attention to the attitudes that cultivate those behaviors. I know this because I have been waking up many mornings with an urge to argue. Sometimes I feel like a justice-seeking lawyer-lady with pockets full of intelligent attitude but no case. Occasionally I get out of bed like a cantankerous crab; everything I see and hear comes through a crap-colored-mask, as if I have anything to complain about. Periodically I entertain Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde as I torpedo productivity by shooting everything down with wildly pessimistic assumptions. Though there is an air of self-righteousness and adventure in these attitudes, they are astoundingly selfish because they pit me against the people around me: my community.

Sadly, I have been that toxic sack of lava more than I’d like to admit. I even self-righteously tried to evade conviction by admitting, “most of my quarrelsome attitude was carried out in thought but not in action.” [insert cheesy smile here] As if that was any better..! “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” Since attitudes create behaviors and I was observing a trash heap building in my brain, I was passively allowing a quarrel to be birthed. I was aware that pressure was mounting and one day I would kick off the argument to end all arguments, but I was not acknowledging the reality that“not directly tearing down community” does not build community. Now that I am being a little more direct and honest with myself I can admit that I almost owe my community a post-emptive apology for an argument that didn’t happen but could have.

Titus 3:9-11instructs people to “Stay away from mindless, pointless quarreling…that gets you nowhere. Warn a quarrelsome person once or twice, but then be done with him. It’s obvious that such a person is out of line…by persisting in divisiveness he cuts himself off.” Another translation of Titus 3:11 says, “you may be sure that such people [divisive quarrelsome people] are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.” I don’t have a degree in theology but I can connect the dots. It is nearly impossible to show love for another person with a quarrel some attitude. The very nature of argumentative, dogmatic, arbitrary, mindless, pointless quarrels is unhelpful. And without a community, you are isolated and alone.

I love a statement Pastor Mark Driskill made recently. He said,“A critic of a church & a servant in a church both see the same problem but respond differently.” If there truly is a problem or a challenge, then I should seek to solve the problem not argue with the person. Whether I am in a building owned by a religious organization,sitting at my desk in my office, inhaling coffee with a friend, or visiting with family I should be seeking to increase and deepen community. Community is the only place for love and connection to increase; you cannot grow simply by reading or hearing a good word. Even in the Greek, experiential knowledge trumps cognitive knowledge all day everyday, and I don’t know anyone who doesn’t agree. Another of my favorite Driskill quotes is, “GOD died, I don’t need to kill you, you’re welcome.”

…I really should let that loving truth building up inside me.

Sometimes coffee shops are sacred.

Sometimes coffee shops are sacred.

I don’t always understand why I can get more done in coffee shops than anywhere else, but I don’t know if I care to investigate it either. Thankfully, coffee shops agree with my soul so I am not complaining. J

I love the people watching in coffee shops. The gentleman sitting on a chair in the middle of the room with no table, people watching himself, holding a thick book in hand, slowly sipping his vente-something or other. The girl who may have come here to look for apartments (judging by the website pulled up on her laptop), but can’t seem to put down her smart phone. The college students plugged into their studies staring at their laptops with darth-vader-glares. The super skinny girl with large wing tattoos on her back; if those were real wings they would be the heaviest appendages on her body. The late-arriving peeps who naively assumed a table would be available for them during coffee house rush hour; I have to try really hard not to laugh at their surprised faces. I do love seeing old people in coffee shops though. I wonder what they are thinking…and if they tried to pay by check.

These people don’t know they are merely background noise and muses for my reading, reflecting, blogging adventures…and it might be best if it stays that way. Honestly, how rude of me…to glance up often enough to notice all these details. But without them, their colorful wardrobes and flashy laptop skins, who knows how much I would get done. That is why I will always vote to work in coffee shops…now (4 hours later) what was I supposed to get done..?

REFLECTING…right…well, carrying on then.

I read something a few mornings ago that has really stuck with me. The question was posed, “Have you come to a point where you have met GOD in HIS everlasting now?”

Everlasting now..?

What a refreshing existence, a creative space, and a telling time. Unfortunately, some days are consumed by yesterday’s unfinished business and tomorrow’s demands. Sometimes I wake up and can’t even enjoy my coffee because my brain is already taxed out. But “meeting GOD in HIS everlasting now” brings a fresh breeze through the windows of my mind. The phrase itself invites an invigorating and curious experience.

To “live in the now” reminds me to sincerely converse with the people around me, whether at work or at home. I think of proper expectations rather than legalistic deadlines. There is an air of flexibility in the “now.”

But to “meet GOD in HIS everlasting now” peels the layers back even further. Not only can I decide to “live in the now” and embrace all the patience and sincerity associated with that; I can seek (and find) the “now” that is important to GOD. Remembering that no matter how frustrating a situation gets I am covered by the same grace available to the other person. Holding steadfast to prayer for wisdom and righteousness while generously expressing gratitude for HIS gracious answers. Exercising creativity and joy in serving others through changes and challenges.

After all, GOD pursued my scared, distracted, rebellious backside far off into the wilderness; HE met me in my “now,” and introduced me to the freedom, which is HIS “now.”

The Day Philippians ran me over

I have been under a writing dry-spell lately. And I hate it...I hate it because my mind does not pause during dry seasons; it continues to spin, sometimes more rapidly than normal, but it feels like I produce nothing from all the commotion and chaos. That is a RIDICULOUS frustration.

But recently, Philippians ran me over. I don't say that to give an ironic name to a reckless driver, or to illustrate a strange foreign exchange student. I was sitting at one of my favorite mid-week cafes exchanging ears, laughs, and insight with a dear friend, and Philippians appeared. At first he was just glancing at us from the corner of the conversation, the way heavy wisdom sits in the air above a serious conversation right before it descends and rests within people.

My friend and I LOVE to get together and discuss the depth of CHRIST's love, and the radical ways HE is transforming us in our day-to-day existence. My friend had been mentioning Philippians chapter 2 a lot recently, and it just so happened that she had The Message Translation in her car and I was OVERJOYED to borrow it (I have been meaning to buy one of those things...in a pretty maroon color...because Maroon just seems like a soothing color for a bible: the most POWERFUL words ever recorded).

I flipped open to Philippians chapter 2 and was knocked flat on my butt by verses 1-4; always a good way to start a POTENT book in the bible: "If you've gotten anything at all out of following CHRIST, if HIS love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the SPIRIT means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care--then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front, don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourself long enough to lend a helping hand."

BLAM!!!!

I am still in disbelief about the depth and curiosity of these words. I know that when I disagree with someone, especially in regards to an issue/person/project that I am passionate about, I am not concerned with being "deep-spirited friends." I most definitely push my way to the front of debates when I am confident in my understanding and ethical standing on the issue, and I have sweet-talked (or at least sugar coated) many conversations to remain in good standing professionally. And, even though I know those behaviors seem more regular than the common cold, they also create a spirit (lifestyle) similar to a professional model: a skeleton that undergoes huge, mostly false, transformation to appear wonderful, beautiful, and perfect. "Don't be obsessed with your own advantage." -SLAM- The mere mention of someone else's wage/salary throws a wrench in my self-value and therefore how I present myself to others.

"Put yourself aside and help others get ahead...Forget yourself long enough to lend a helping hand." BRAKES (SQUEALING BRAKES)!!! I suffer from a very common condition that I named "Calendar-itis;" otherwise known as inflammation of one's calendar. Symptoms include, but are not limited to:

• Disconnection from friends, co-workers, mentees, and family outside of specificly allotted times
• Addiction and entitlement to "production" and "efficiency," both of which have various meanings, forms, and functions.
• Decreasing motivation to be creative or reflective due to quickly decreasing down-time.
• Increasing expenditures due to poor personal time management and a RIDICULOUS amount of fast-food locations.
• Heart attack
• Breast cancer
• Lymphoma
• Colon cancer
• blindness
• etc
  
• etc

I am being challenged, regularly now, to put aside my calendar, entitlement, efficiency, and productivity. I listened to a pod-cast recently that pushed me to ask, "have I been complimented on a fruit of the spirit recently?" After six hours of brain-searching I realized the last time that happened I might have been five years old.

I wonder what my life would look like if the colored blocks on my calendar were based on the amount of time it takes to exercise the fruits of the spirit and practice deep-spirited friendship instead of reflecting a need to feel valued and recognized by the number of things I can get done in a day. Can I come to understand that a 1-hour meeting geared solely at patiently getting on the same page with someone is a better use of time than spending an hour crafting a beautiful e-mail that can (and most likely will be) misinterpreted due to lack of body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and genuine concern. Can I pause to answer a rookie question FROM A ROOKIE without viewing them as a dent in my already too-busy day..?

In A Million Miles in a Thousand Years Donald Miller compares life and individuals to movies and characters. He walks through the human attraction to specific characters and discovers that people are drawn to characters that are proven good, by their behavior and choices, and that also have to overcome a fear/tragedy/conflict. D.M. "wondered if life could be lived more like a good story in the first place. I wondered whether a person could plan a story for his life and live it intentionally...and...if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgment. We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable, then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims rather than grateful participants. (italics mine)"

I believe GOD designed me, and everyone on this Earth, intentionally with a story in mind. And I laugh, ever so slightly with HUGE CURIOUS eyes, at the parallel between movie characters and real life. And I wonder what my life would look like if I gave more intention to being changed by GOD everyday all day rather than trying to fit GOD in between the colored blocks of my own disease.